Once upon a time I had a blog. Last night, I word vomited on it. Sorry. I am also a tid bit hesitant to even post this. I've been wanting to start this thing back up, and I figure I have to start somewhere. So I just started writing and this is what came out. So here goes nothin'...
I almost feel like I need to start a new blog. It's been like...a year.
So much has happened and I won't even try to recap it here, but let's just say year numero uno of marriage was cra-zay. In the best and most unexpected ways, of course.
Jesus is more real to me than ever. He has put us in a place we never thought we could love. We are being pushed to new inner and outer places that have left us wide eyed and jaw dropped at the greatness of the Jesus we follow, the hard things real life is made of and at the people we have the joy of walking this road with...it's good.
I realize now more than ever I need a Savior and I am not perfect. At all. No matter what I thought a year ago...'cuz let's just face it. I thought I was all good and grand. No real issues to work through, no big problems in my relationships. I firmly believed it was my responsibility to help other people come to a place in their relationship with Jesus where I was...or thought I was. Geez, that sounds so bad typed out. But it's true. OOPS.
Then I got married.
Marriage taught me I am a mess, but I am also a few other things:
I am loved.
I am free.
(cue new blog title)
Marriage has been the best, hardest, most redeeming thing in my whole wide life. Is that even a phrase? But life is wide...that I have discovered. It used to feel so narrow. But it is wide enough for all I am and all I am not...and for the One who loves with a great, big, HUGE, love I had never known until recently. Yea, I believed I was loved by God...like a good church goin' girl down here in Alabam'...but I didn't know it. Feel it. Live it.
A myriad of circumstances, situations, relationships and teary conversations have helped begin the process of tearing down a curtain in my heart and in my mind that was fencing me, as well as those close to me, into this narrow space I thought Jesus lived in.
Have you heard the saying, "Don't put God in a box"?
Well, I was trying to put him in a shoebox.
Here's a little thing I wrote last week about the W I D E N E S S I have encountered this year...maybe it can sum up just a little of what I am saying...
You invite me in, with the turn of a thin page where black ink meets red words that seem first so narrow. Yet the further I read and the more I pray...I see it. This way leads to a wide place, a free place, a place big enough for all of who I am and more of who You are. It's wide enough for all the fear I carry. The fear I've thought I had to check at the door before I moved any closer. That fear, the one that freezes me, binds me and yet still moves me. Your words call me toward you. Closer...closer. No narrowness, only wideness. No judgement, only love. No empty handedness, but a flinging all of the things I drag behind me onto your lap...and a asking for you to "take it and make it something more," flutters through parted lips.
And I know.
Right here in the narrow space between reality and eternity lies a hand that hold me and molds me into more than the sum of my fear, but into Love that is wider, longer, higher and deeper .