Doubt is a devious thing.
It creeps in seeking destruction and the complete overhaul of our minds and emotions through well delivered one liners that have the power to bruise our souls and haunt our hearts. Doubt is the "voice" in our ear that mocks,
You are not needed
You cannot change.
Things will always be this way.
Yes, doubt starts with these lies (among many others).
It's effects are ruthless. We can begin to not believe we are lovable, even to ourselves. We begin to overcompensate for our doubts in various ways. One is in attempting to prove (to ourselves and others) we are not what we think and so on.
In the end, no one wins and we are desperate for a rebuttle to these doubts that bind us against the pit of our own selves and let no one inside...even God himself.
Doubt has become a fixture in my life that I want Jesus to unscrew. I often doubt that I am accepted and secure. That's not something I tell a lot of people, but for the sake of being transparent I think it's something I need to acknowledge more often to myself. I too overcompensate for my doubt and have not found that helpful...at all.
Today, I was reading about how Jesus told his disciples they could move mountains from "here" to there" if they had faith as small as a mustard seed. I am beginning to see that my doubts will not simply go away if I base my security on a set of circumstances or people to affirm me in my "security-ness", but on Jesus himself.
I do believe people in my life who love me well can be vessels of healing my doubt, but they will never suffice. I am convinced that I need to acknowledge Jesus as the one who can transform my mind and lift the veil of doubt that have hung over my heart for so long. My prayer is that my Mountain of Doubt will be moved from "here to there" through faith ("calling forth things that are not as if they are."Romans)...even if it is as small as a seed. I believe, help my unbelief, Jesus.